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This is the end of it.
29 March 2004 @ 6:30 pm

Well, it finally happened.

Matt and I are no longer together, and honestly I don't know how I feel about it.

The way he did it was horrible. That was the worst part I think. Once I got over how it was done, I was somewhat okay.

...

Matt had been hanging out with his friend Robert alot, which I was cool with. Everyone needs their own set of friends. I had never liked Robert, even when we went to high school together. He was so stuck on himself, and I still can't figure out why. But as long as I didn't have to go out bail the two out of jail I was fine with it.

I got a call March the 8th from Matt while I was at work. He said he was going to play basketball with Robert, but that he should be home by the time I was. I've been work 10, 12 hour days, so I get home about 7pm. I told Matt that was cool, and if he wanted me to I would cook dinner for him and the guys, because I knew if Matt went back to Robert's he'd get home after I got in bed. I had had a rough day and I was really looking forward to watching a movie with him and going to bed. Matt said that was cool and he'd ask Robert if he wanted dinner later.

Matt had been doing some side work for his dad, which consisted of sautering together some circuits for sercurity cameras, so I thought I might as well do those since Matt wasn't home when I got home. After putting together 24 of 25 circuits I got a call from Matt, saying that they had just gotten done, and were heading back to Roberts to get some food. I was pissed. It's about 9 at night, I'm waiting for him to get home, and I've
already made dinner! I hung up on him.

He calls back and I don't answer, so he leaves a message saying that since I hung up on him, whenever I am ready for him to come home to give him a call and let him know I'm on my way. So I call him and tell him I'm on my way. He didn't like that, and told me not to pick him up for awhile, he was having a good time.

Now, Robert and his now wife, moved about a mile away from us about 4 months ago. Before that Matt and Robert talked about once every two weeks. But ever since they moved in close, I couldn't get Matt away from him. We went to their parties every weekend, we celebrated every holiday with them. I was okay with that, but it got the point where I was tired of being around them and listening to everyone bitch about how Matt doesn't fit in. I had to stick up for Matt to his best friend of 16 years. What kind of bullshit is that. When I mentoined it to Matt, he didn't believe me. It was almost as if, he thought I was trying to break up their friendship.

I have
never messed with someone's relationship. I'm not like that.

By that time, second happy hour had started at one of the local bars, and I told Matt that he needed to find his own way home, because I was going out. I started to get dressed but realized that I was exhausted, so I just got in bed.

About an hour later, Matt shows up. See, I was in the bedroom and as soon as the front door opened, I heard Matt, Robert and some girl giggling, but I let it go. Matt came in the bedroom and as soon as they heard me talking, Robert and the girl hauled it down the stairs. Matt took the car keys, saying that he didn't want me driving while I was hysterical, grabbed a bottle of tequila and left.

When I peeked out the window to watch him leave, he was standingin the parking lot with Robert, wrapped all over some blonde bitch. I totally flipped. I called Matt to see if I had over reacted, but when I asked who she was he wouldn't tell me. He just kept saying that it was Robert's neighbor, and that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calmed down. So, I kept calling. He was not going to fuck around me. So I left him a bunch of voice mails and sent him a bunch of texts. But he didn't reply.

I called him back a couple hours later and his friend Robert answered. He went off on me. He told me that everything was my fault and that Matt was really trying but I had pushed him over the edge. Robert called me every name in the book. Told me I was inbreed.
(Where the fuck did that come from?) Matt never come home that night.

At that point, I just wanted to leave, it was obvious that things weren't going to work out, and the very last thing I would put up with is a cheater. I sent him a message asking him to take me to a friend's house, that I was moving out.

He showed up and pretty much told me that he hadn't had feelings for me for months, he couldn't handle my cutting and cynacism. It hurt so much that he had just played a role, and hadn't tried to tell me what was wrong so that we could work it out.

I have an inside source into Matt's group of friends who's keeping me up on what's being said and done. From what that friend tells me Matt is not over me. He still refers to me as his girlfriend sometimes, he sticks up for me more than he did while we were still together, he sends mixed signals to the girl he's with now about whether he'd come back to me or not.

I miss him so much. He was evevrything to me, and the sad part is that he still is.

...



I never really wanted you see the screwed side of me
That I keep locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go, so many things you should have known
I guess for me there’s no home; I never meant to be so cold


Older Entries
This is the end of it. - 29 March 2004
Dream On - 22 February 2004
Until the Day I Die - 24 January 2004
It hurts to love him - 22 December 2003
Blood Brothers - 21 December 2003

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