It hurts to love him
22 December 2003 @ 8:30 pm

Matt,

I guess by the way that the last few weeks have gone, you're tired of dealing with me. I tried. You don't understand how hard I've tried. The hardest thing about trying to be how you wanted me to be, was that I never got any clear answers from you. If you gave me a list of "What Katie can do to make Matt happy" I'd most likely follow it to the t. Except for smoking (for now), and probably cutting. Communication isn't your strong point. I tell you what I want, you just don't seem to hear me. I needed someone to be okay with 'how' I am, to actually tell me that they cared, that they loved me, that I meant more to them then a computer, or a new car, or a day out with the guys. I needed someone to help me understand that there was more to life than hating myself. I was asking too much. Hopefully I'll remember that the next time a male gives me the time of day. I just need to remind myself that I am nothing special, a dime a dozen, just a stupid trinket in the long run.

I don't know how I've managed to fuck this up but I have. You don't love me, you never have, and I doubt you ever will. I'm sorry that I clung to such a improbable hope for so long.

I'm sorry about Doug, I'm sorry about the Home Depot lies, I'm sorry about involving your family, I'm sorry for turning to you for help, I'm sorry that I can't be who you need and who you deserve, I'm sorry I'm such an insecure little bitch, I'm sorry about Ruth, I'm sorry that I need all of your attention, I'm sorry that I have too many problems, I'm sorry that I tried and failed once again, I'm sorry that I hoped you'd understand and try to help, I'm sorry I'm not as cute as every one else's girlfriends, I'm sorry for my jealousy, I'm sorry that I'm bad about wasting money, I'm sorry that all I have to do is look at you and I'm ready to hop in bed, I'm sorry that no matter how hard I try I'll never be the woman or friend that you deserve. I'm just so sorry. I don't know what to say. Now that I realize that I'm no longer wanted, I can't believe how incredibly ignorant I was. I'm sorry that I've wasted your time, and part of your life. I should have never involved myself in it.

I just want to let you know that you made me happy. You'll never know how good it felt when you wanted to spend time with me, when you still wanted me to be around. Sometimes I felt like I would explode, but it would be okay because it was from happiness from you. I understand that I have worn out my welcome, and wont be issued another one. I need to thank you for what you have done, if I only knew how. For awhile, things weren't as lonely as I had known them to be before you. You don't know what it's like to want to disappear, to fade away, or to become detached from reality, but for most of my life that is how I dealt with things. You helped me realize that it didn't have to be like that.

Thank you Matt.

If you want me to leave now I will, I'm pretty decent at couch-surfing. You can have my next paycheck. I'll pay the rest of what I owe as soon as I can. I don't know how much money you had before I came along, but I'll give it all back. If you need me to I'll pay half of the bills. From the way you've been lately, it's apparent that you can't stand me any longer, but if I could I would like to stay until I pay you back and have a little money of my own. But it's your decision. After all, I'm the one with all the problems, problems that you should have never had to worry about. I'm sorry.

I just wished that you had loved me.

-Katie




This letter as of 1/30 was never delivered. No, I take that back, it was sent to his email, we made up and made love, and I hacked into his account and deleted it. So technically it wasn't delivered to him.