And she swears there's nothing wrong
17 May 2003 @ 8:40 pm

I didn't know what to do with myself today.

I felt like shit, mentally and physically.

Scott was in first thing this morning and he about broke my barely beating heart. He was hungover, which from what I have gathered, is how he is dealing with his divorce. That's fine. It's the fact that he had no clue where he was when he woke up in the morning, and no idea who the little chickie he was with is. I didn't think he would give up on me so easily. I've told him before that casual sex is great, as long as you are aware of it and protected in the process. I'm debating on whether to even bring it up with him or not. I only saw him once, and he must have left without saying goodbye for one of two reasons; 1.)He's ashamed of what he did / ashamed that he told me about it. 2.)He's mad at me. Both are understandable.

I'm also kinda worried about Bryan. He just got back from Las Vegas and he's been acting kind of strange. On the surface he appears much happier than normal, but not quite. If I concentrate on his happiness, I can see it shimmer and distort just enough to get a glimpse of the real Bryan underneath. That worries me. B, as far as I know, does not have a reason to hide anything from me. We don't travel in the same circles, we both know he needs to get laid. The only thing I can think of is that it has something to do with Jessy. I wondered if she ended up going with him, but I know for a fact that she was here, while he was not.

I was also dropped on the rocks today when I told B that I was thinking about dying alot lately. He blew me off. I give so much of my heart to these people and this is all I get? I give and they get, I want and they refuse. Am I not good enough for someone to care about? Am I that disposable?

All I want is... I don't know... someone to care, someone to worry, someone to hug me when I've been holding back tears all day long?

I caught myself heading to the loo to cry a couple times, but I didn't want to give in. I got on a register and rung customers mindlessly for a couple hours.

I still want to cry, but who will ever dry my tears?

Older Entries
This is the end of it. - 29 March 2004
Dream On - 22 February 2004
Until the Day I Die - 24 January 2004
It hurts to love him - 22 December 2003
Blood Brothers - 21 December 2003